Listening to: Don’t Let it Go to Your Head [Fefe Dobson]
First of all, Happy New Year >_> LOL! First blog post of 2017 so I gotta get formalities out the way. Second of all, I’ve had this blog for about a year…I didn’t flesh it out as much as I probably could have but y’know…there were POSTS! I consider that an accomplishment. Third, this is the first post in the daylight hours I think!
And now for the obvious fact – tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. LOL Do we remember last year’s post? I can tell you my thoughts haven’t really changed (what, did you think I went all soft because I got a bf now? HAHAHAHAH!) Nah, lots of folk still have no clue what love is and mostly what I see are desperate attempts to either rid love of its value OR clutch after a cheap form of love for cycles of temporary satisfaction.
ANYWAY…I’ma share something different this year- my own slow journey to embracing
mush the concept of showing (and receiving) affection. See, I know how to emote…I do it all the time; in fact, my friends and family know me for my many facial expressions which show anything from frustration to complete glee- some compared it to anime expressions (^_^’). I usually do my more silly expressions around my friends and my more cutesy ones around my family (particularly my mom). But there was one type of emotion that was never shown, never explored and not thought about often- when it was thought about, I cringed because it felt so inorganic and mushy and if anyone ever showed it to me (those brave guys in back high school and college, bless their hearts) I shut that down quickly. Basically, I didn’t know how to express or receive anything outside of platonic or familial love; the gushy, romantic stuff, “wasn’t my forte”™.
By the time May 2016 rolled around and the forces of Heaven moved (only explanation really) and I willingly accepted the heart of a young man, I was all kinds of confused. I mean, now that I thought about it (after he said something) I liked him right? If I didn’t I would have shut him down like errbody else, but does this mean I have to be all mushy now? NAH, he knew what he was getting into when he came after me. If we’re gonna do this it’ll be on my non-mushy terms. So I’ll be playful with him but not too affectionate. xD yeah, I know. Suddenly, it was October; it had been half a year since we were together and gradually I was starting to feel more comfortable with his affection and I hated it. LOL
Which brings me to my MomentMusic for this post…Fefe Dobson’s Don’t Let it Go to Your Head off her Sunday Love album. I was a fan of this song since its release back in 2005, but mostly because I was a fan of her (black girl rocker!!! hayyy!) and I thought the concept of the song was funny – she’s totally in love with this dude and finally tells him, but begrudgingly… and warns him to stay in his lane. I loved it!
“So what if I came clean and told you all you mean to me, and so what if I meant every word I said, baby don’t let it go to your head…. I’m the one who’s in control here, let me make it clear!”
Fast forward 11 + years and it’s not a funny concept anymore, it’s essentially my reality. I love this guy, so much so that I was starting to show it and be okay with it, and I was NOT okay with it! Kinda felt like I was selling out and 15-year-old Stephanie would have been enraged with me. Heck, 21-year-old Stephanie would have sat me down and had a talk. *sigh*
Now what? Did I manage to kick this mindset 4 months later? Am I now the openly gushing girlfriend who even advocates for PDA? HAHAHAhahahaha…no. But, I no longer feel embarrassed to share with him how I feel or to hear how he feels, I don’t cringe at the even the slightest of romantic gestures and I can actually use the occasional nickname now and be okay with it, and I’m okay with it. All it took was some time, some self-analysis and a very patient, very understanding, very loving person chilling with me while I work it out.
Oh, about tomorrow; yeah sure, show/tell that one person just how awesome you think they are, I know now that there’s no shame in that…just make sure you keep it up the day after tomorrow too…
TL;DR – If you are like me and find it hard to open up to a person you like, even after committing to a relationship, don’t fret. Take the time you need to get comfortable; if the person is a keeper, they’ll get it. Also, don’t add to the already overhyped Valentine’s day when in truth it’s not supposed to take a special day to make you do all that stuff anyway; enjoy it (appropriately, within the right context based on your relationship status of course) but don’t let it go to your head. (~_o).